For one crazy moment

May 20, 2011 § 1 Comment

Okay, well it was for more than one, because I was totally going down memory lane on the drive home, which is like 20 minutes. I had the opportunity to go out and do some much needed shopping. ALONE. It was wonderful! I got new curtains for the bedroom (pictures to come tomorrow) and I bought some room decor for baby #2 since the walls are pretty bare…and while looking for an oversized picture to put above our bed, I found this ADORABLE thermal (is that right? Thermal? Well, it has the silver insulation stuff lined inside LOL!) PICNIC BASKET! How cute right? I’ll have to take a picture of that too, so you get the full effect of just how cute it is. I also had the opportunity to run into Barnes and Noble to pick up a book that I’ve wanted for a while. Expressive Photography, written by the Shutter Sisters. I’m excited to crack it open tonight,assuming I’ll be able to muster up some energy.

I love Barnes and Noble. I think it’s because I have so many fond memories of it as a tween/college student. I love it even more because it has a Starbucks in it. Of course, I got my usual. An Iced Chai Tea Latte with soy instead and honey drizzled on top. YUM.

While waiting for my delicious drink to be served, I looked around my heart literally sunk. I realized that I really missed this. I forgot how often I used to come into Barnes and Nobel and get my usual drink. I forgot how much I enjoyed the simple pleasure of walking around B&N just browsing, with no baby. All the people sitting at the Starbucks tables had their Macs out (new ones mind you, which also made my heart cry a little) and their notebooks, studying for their finals (I’m assuming). It made me really miss the college days. I really enjoyed studying with my study groups at Starbucks. It was always late, usually around 8pm, after everyone was able to get off work. We would collaborate on our homework and study our material before upcoming tests. I really miss this. At the time, I’m sure I would have sworn that you would never hear me even think these thoughts…but when I look back, I remember how challenged I felt with some of the classes and a sense of belonging. All 6 of us in our “group” had the same chem class and we were all aspiring to be pre-med students. It’s funny, because while I don’t keep in contact with everyone still, the ones I do keep in touch with have changed their major. But it was so nice to feel apart of something where we all had a common goal. I miss this.

On my way home, this was all I thought about. I pulled in the driveway feeling really depressed and questioning the life that I purposely altered, wondering if I made the right choice. This is a really shitty feeling.

I walked waddled in the door carrying the bags of stuff that I just purchased and I am greeted with a small smiling face. Hay is standing there happy as can be, waiting for me. All of the feelings I had felt just minutes early were completely erased. This is my life. She is my life.

I would give up Starbucks in Barnes and Noble any day for this. No sense of belonging or accomplishment can replace the feelings I have for her or being her mother. The memories I have will always be cherished and I will surely look back on them again, but never with the question “did I make the right decision”?

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§ One Response to For one crazy moment

  • Heather says:

    YOu should put that in her expensive little journal. I wonder the same thing sometimes, but not when I’m at starbucks or B&N. I wonder about it when we’re sitting at home trying to watch a movie and Mirabelle is insistent about turning off the T.V because she doesn’t want to watch a movie, or when I’m trying to get in a nice shower….the little things. I wonder if I was crazy for bringing this little person into existence and wether or not I’m doing everything right by her. What a challenging question that is somedays, but so good to hear. It reminds me that it’s my life and I wouldn’t have it any other way EVER!

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